(LONG)Staying at Rehab--but he says no no no

So- because I try hard not to bring other topics to the board..I have been avoiding the update on my husband…but I have had a few ask…here’s the deal.  Husband has an addiction to op. pain medications.  Found out, discussed it at length.  He said he told me the whole story, and that he was not taking them because he was out.  He gave me the script for his next “batch" and I was keeping up with checking on him (i.e. spying on his cell phone records, calling unknown numbers, etc).  So after several weeks..I started noticing some of the signs again.  I ripped the freaking house upside down looking for them (pills), pockets, bags, drawers, crawled my pregnant @ss between mattresses….Bare with me, cause I cant remember the last time if I knew he had bought some from a friends ex-wife / GF (he story changes so much)…but I called her and told her not to be in contact with my DH again or else, that I wasn’t threatening her, I was promising her trouble.  At any rate, I decided to call him on it…I told him I knew he was in contact with them again, he had disappeared in the middle of the night, he was acting like he was on them again.  So he admits he was taking them…only because I lured him by saying I was going to take you tonight to get them filled and give you the proper amount.  So he fessed up to getting them from another script because he knew the insurance would deny them if we went that night.  This was last Monday..so I pulled every insurance claim for the medications…He took and filled over 655 pills in less then 60 days.  When I got home we did a mini intervention (with my mother and I)…and told him it wasn’t acceptable.  He confessed on my way home (prior to my mom coming) that he had tried to buy more from that “friend" and that her Dr didn’t give her the script to get more.  So he was frantic trying to get some (he was calling his family Dr- which I also knew from his cell)…he took 60 pills from Saturday at 1am (he went to a 24 hour store to fill them while I was asleep) and until Monday 6am- he took the last 6!   I had already known that he was in contact with the girl because he did it when he sent me for food (which he never does) and I looked at his cell record and saw her number.  Plus- I called her again and asked why she was talking to my husband again…I told her I wasn’t stupid (this was prior to me knowing they arranged to meet and she had none) and I had warned her to take me serious and respect my family…so I took matters into my own hands- needless to say- I have ensured that she will never want to speak to my husband again…The drug enforcement task force has paid her a visit and spoken to her about her selling her drugs…they watch her, go through her trash and make her uncomfortable ( and ensure public safety).  It’s nice to have a member of the police in the family.  Apparently, she **** her knickers and tried to get him in trouble when they were speaking with her (who’s the f’ing ***** now ?!).  Which honestly, I am completely fine if they watch us and scare him straight-
Bottom line…since last Tuesday he has been in a medical facility for treatment…then he went off to rehab.  They way they have handled this has been horrible (the hospital didn’t want to have him, but his liver function was crazy – go figure! And no beds at rehab).  He’s been at the rehab facility and hates it (good!)…he isn’t allowed to see us and is only allowed to call 4 times a week for 10 minutes, supervised.  He called last night, very frustrated because he is sitting in sessions all day and most of them have started to repeat- they haven’t spoken with him about a community plan, and he hasn’t even see the Dr yet.  I don’t like the sounds or the reviews I have heard about the place- but we didn’t really have a choice (all the insurance would pay for)..he’s already over an hour away…and he other place they wanted him to go was near Philadelphia- No way!  So I feel stuck in the middle. I want him to get the help that he needs but I want them to develop the plan for home so he can come home (that was the reason for going and detox, which he did un-medicated in the hospital because they didn’t want him there)…he’s daughter misses him (daddy’s girl), he’s frustrated and getting annoyed with the other people there (going outside with smoker just to get away from some of the people), I’m functioning and making it okay.  Yes, it’s stressful, but things were far more stressful when he was home using the medications.  So is it unreasonable after a week in rehab and several days in patient at the hospital to expect they have a plan for him to return home?  I am not down playing the issue (hence he’s there) but I have looked through the records of the script fills and listened to him- the problem has only been since the beginning of August…3 weeks before his day program for depression treatment, and he has had several periods of 3 - 5 days when he stops.  I know he hates it there, and I know they are not as “on it" as they should be.  I think it would be better for him to do a community program- I am grossly afraid too that he will take up smoking (he made comments) and because he is good hearted he’ll make friends with those people sinimliar to when he was at his depressions day program (sorry I know that’s mean but most of them are long term addicts of all types of drugs).  But I want him to have gotten something from it…and never to want to take another op. pain medication again.  Thanks for your advise ladies- last time it was a great help emotionally.  I took a lot of what was said to heart- hence I am trying to support him and put my selfishness (my hurt and anger) aside to allow him to endure and beat this issue. It’s really hard- but I am doing my absolute best. (Of course him demanding I do something isn’t helpful either- my education is social work-so he presses me to do his social work!) Thoughts-?!

**Edit- I forgot to mention before he was placed (that morning) with had a lengthy conversation with his psych dr.  and some other resources- and they suggested a short rehab stay for detox and to start the community outpatient program because the problem wasnt a long addiction history.  The plan was never 30 days...And I dont feel that a plan in place in unreasonable a week into a facility.  When I worked in a facility our plan was done within 48 hours (usually 24)...no ands if or buts- it was also a regulation.  Of course I want him home...but I also want him to be safe- his safety I question there.  Just some additional thoughts.

This is going to sound extremely harsh. Leave him there. Honestly. Speaking from experience. Leave him there. Its the best thing for him. If you meet his demands this time he is going to know he can still walk all over you.

What is the max time he can spend there?? After his stay, will he be in a daily program???

My thoughts... LEAVE HIM THERE.

I agree that he is where he needs to be. OF course he doesn't like it - it isn't comfortable. Here's to hoping and praying that he is able to turn around for you, his daughter and his un-born child. THe only "consession" I would ask the hospital to make is that he can be there for the birth of his child. Even if it is a "release" program to the hospital where you will be delivering

*hugs* You are doing the right thing for you, your family and hubby wether it feels like it now or not.

Liz

Yes, it's completely unreasonable for you to expect him to have a plan in place after a week of what you describe as a sub par treatment. 

It sounds like you want him home, because you just want him home and your daughter wants him home.   What good will that do to pull him out early?  None.  On the other hand, it sounds like you want him to get the help he needs, so here you sit on both sides of the fence.  

It's time to pick a side.  That may sound harsh, but his situation isn't anything to be wishy washy about.   He needs to be in treatment for as long as they are going to keep him.   At the bare minimum he needs 30 days.  

Better that you and your daughter miss him for 30 days, 60 days, 6 months, etc. then to have him home strung out on drugs. 

yes... i would say a week is not enough time for them to make a plan .... they are prob still processing him... he really needs to sit there and see that he effed up... again... and that he has alot to loose ( and will)  if he keeps up with his addiction.... i would make the calls short and sweet... quick updates.... but thats it.... i know it sounds harsh.... my mom is a drunk... you have tried the cuddling before and it hasnt worked ... sometimes the best help for someone in a situation like this is a brick in the head.. addicts will make you think one thing and in reality its a whole different story...in this case you are his wife... not his social worker... let the social worker do her job and you do yours..as you know the addiction thought process takes years to cure... not a week

Unfortunately, I know what you're going through. However, I was the one hooked on the pain meds. I believe I mentioned it a time or two here before within the past year. Knowing I wanted to have more children ASAP, I decided to ask my Dr. to refer me to a narcotic treatment program. I was not as extreme as your husband, as I was only filling my own scrips (about 80 Percocet pills ever two weeks) and hadn't gotten to the point of purchasing them illegally.

Anyways, the treatment program has done WONDERS for me! It was not an impatient treatment, but an outpatient. However, I must say, I think it sounds like your husband is a pretty serious case and may need the inpatient program. I've been in my program for over 6 months now. I was given the choice of two different medications, Methodone or Suboxone. After working with several Dr.'s and counselors, we decided to go the route of Suboxone as they didn't feel like my particular case needed the strengh of the Methodone. This is the way it was described to me, Methodone is like Cheesecake and Suboxone is like skim milk... does that make sense? Anyways, Subxone is very expensive medication so you an only go that route if you have good insurance or are willing to pay out the butt for it. I'm on a small dose everyday, but it's taken away my urge for the pain pills. I haven't had a pain pill since 6 months ago when I made it through the wait list and got into the clinic. Suboxone isn't a pain medication, but it does something to your brain that blocks your pain receptors and takes that urge away. There's got to be a better way to explain it than that, so I'd definitely look into it if I were you, it's been a huge help to me and my family. I'm a regular person again, I can function normally now without being doped up on pills, I'm pregnant again and my baby is safe and healthy, I'm so thankful for the program my Dr. referred me to.

I do want to say something about the type of people your husband is around because I do understand what yo0u are saying. The clinic that I go to is for ALL drug addicts so I've seen some crazy stuff. I say that it's crazy because I have had absolutely NO involvment or influence or even knowledge of that lifestyle before. It's something that is just not a part of my world and was totally greek to me. Unfortunately, to get me better, I had to be around it. What I found to be very important was that I kept to myself. I was only there when I needed to be, I didn't go to places where I knew people congregated, I was very careful to be private. I know that's not neccesarilly possible for your husband in a rehab program but you may want to keep an eye on that. I heard horror stories from some of my counselors about the things other people at these clinics could get you into. It's definitely something I think you should be aware of.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope your husband comes around and makes it through this. It sounds to me like this is where he needs to be and he needs help now rather than later. I think your doing the right thing by insisting he stops and get's help now!

Darcy

I too would say he needs to stay there. I have not delt with hospitals with drug addiction but when my son has had anger and abusive issues and sometimes its not all as it seems from the outside. Groups and all we dont go to and they do tell the treatment people so much and we dont participate in all that so they can tell us anything. My son went through 8 years and 5 different hospital stays before I would allow them to do what they felt needed to be done. It was only at that time he got better. I always fell for his story and felt bad and of course I missed him and wanted him home he is my son. Yet this last hospital stay he was in total almost 3 months. Since then he has been such a different person. He realised I would not save him and it was him that had to do the work and work the program to be better. Now he is almost 16 and he is great. I would have never thought this of him 2 years ago as he was beating me and threatening to kill me as I sleep. Sometimes the best and most kind thing to do is step back and remember its hard to be objective when its us in the situation needing help. Its a very hard thing and most people with issues have worked us so long they know just what to say and do to make us their puppet in ways. Let him get the help and he may not like it but thats great he does not like it. You dont want him to enjoy being there cause thats a bad sign in itself.
I know its hard and all but he needs the help cause being out there trying to get the pills and doing whatever it takes to get them could get him in jail and everything else where I am sure he would rather not be also. Help is the best thing for him. If you need to do something go to the rehab and speak with the treatment teams or the head of the place for you and find out whats going on and all. I did that every other day and my son never knew. Best thing I ever did for our family was the hardest and most painful but in the end the MOST rewarding and got us all to a great place for us to all heal.

Good luck girl. I know this has to be awful for you!!!

I am very sorry that you are going through this. I just wanted to offer support and to answer any questions you might have. You can PM me if you like. I work as a psych and chemical dependence RN. Take care and try not to stress too much. I agree with the other ladies, he needs to stay there.

Okay I know pain medications and alchol addiction are different creatures, but I had to commit my dad for 90 days to an alchol treatment facility and it was the longest hardest process I have ever had to go thur and he HATED it, but I told him its either there or you dont have me in your life, because I couldnt be around him like that.  And you have to allow him to be there as long as they are going to keep him there, because that right now is the best place for him.

I know this is so hard on you and your daughter but it will if he is committed to the program work out. 

Jenn,
I am really sorry about his use! Addiction is a family disease, and you've already shown that you're strong enough to try to help him. My concern as a therapist is that he developed the addiction so quickly- it may mean that he has a strong genetic disposition to it, meaning that his brain is wired to addiction. For that reason alone, an inpatient setting may be more helpful. Once he does come home, make sure you find a good outpatient program and a long-term therapist. If he struggles with depression, that may need to be treated. Sometimes antidepressants can mimic some of the changes that opiates do to the brain chemistry, and may help him alleviate opiate cravings. Of course rehab sucks, especially if he wasn't really at a point where he himself was ready to change. In addictions research, there are stages of change that we utilize to determine how treatment should progress. If the detox was more your idea than his, he may not be quite ready to go it alone at home, which is another reason why inpatient may be more useful. The treatment may help him move toward more readiness for change.  The last thing you want is a relapse when he gets home. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but you may want to have some discussion of Daddy's problems with her, age appropriate of course, which may help her with the seperation. Make sure to take care of you too!! Families suffer too with addiction. Get any help and support you may need! Best of luck to all of you. Keep us posted about his treatment.
 
Carrie